Tuesday, February 07, 2006

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  • FOUL PLAY SUSPECTED

    In these days a man is nobody unless his biography
    is kept so far posted up that it may be ready for
    the national breakfast table on the morning after his demise.
    -Anthony Trollope


    PROVIDENCE, RI
    One trusty Lantern Moon needle had its life tragically cut short last evening in an accident Olympic officials are calling "senseless" and "a waste." The accident occurred shortly after 9pm, EST, on the couch of a fellow Team College Hill Teammate. Theresa shuddered as she recalled: "I only left it alone for a minute as I got up to get some water. When I came back, it was snapped in half. There was clearly nothing I could do."

    This needle was part of a matched set, and was relatively new to the world of international knitting competition, having entered the stage a mere 3 weeks ago as a surprise replacement for some Brittany Birch straights that were snagging. Teammate Theresa recalls that "it was a perfect fit. We were all surprised by the glossy smoothness of the needle." Katja noted that she, too, was new to Olympic level competition and that the needles were surprisingly similar to Addis. "But I'm German," she reminded. "I still prefer Addis."

    Already gory photographs of the crime scene have been circulating on the internet. Fellow Team College Hill teammates Katja and Theresa are begging the public to let the dead rest in peace, but to no avail. Investigators have reason to suspect foul play, and the security surrounding Team College Hill will be increased for the duration of the Games. "Not since Tanya Harding attacked Nancy Kerrigan have we seen such blatant sabotage of equipment and competitors," one Olympic official who requested annonymity stated. "Losing a needle is bad enough, but many others could have been injured as it broke. We must be on our guard."

    This needle had recently returned from an uneventful trip to Florida. It is survived by the three members of Team College Hill, it's matched needle and a set of US5 Brittany Birch straights. The Brittany Birches will replace it in the international knitting competition.

    In related news, the two sleeves of Winter Folly are at the sleeve cap shaping. Teammates of the lead knitter on the project are concerned that she has not yet finished her swatch for her Olympic project. "Never fear," Theresa responded. "I only have 600 pages of reading to do for tomorrow. Plenty of time."

    No stitches were harmed in the writing of this article.

    16 Comments:

    Blogger Disentangled said...

    It truly boggles the mind to think of the lengths to which some will stoop to get ahead. My heart goes out to you in your time of need.

    2/07/2006 6:22 AM  
    Blogger Chris said...

    Altho I am sorry about the demise of your needle, this was flippin' hysterical!

    I must admit, you're sounding a wee bit like the Yarn Harlot at the end, tho......

    2/07/2006 6:23 AM  
    Anonymous Dianna said...

    You're a hoot!

    Where do we send sympathy flowers to the family of the untimely demised needle?

    2/07/2006 7:27 AM  
    Blogger jennie said...

    you made my afternoon...i'm still laughing.

    good luck finding a last minute replacement!

    2/07/2006 8:37 AM  
    Anonymous JayJay said...

    Oh, the humanity! I remember when Lantern Moon was first recruited for Team College Hill. She was so hopeful and shiny (probably something to do with polyurethane). We will miss her dearly. :(

    2/07/2006 9:33 AM  
    Blogger Stephanie said...

    Hi Teresa! Love Trollope - I didn't think anyone else read him anymore.

    That needle - did you check under your couch for Tanya or Jeff? I'm afraid they may be lurking somewhere... ;)

    2/07/2006 9:39 AM  
    Blogger christine said...

    Laughing so hard that I'm crying in Chicago.........good job!

    2/07/2006 10:01 AM  
    Blogger Marina said...

    I don't know whether you could jump to that conclusion. It seems to me that the prima donna could just be protesting the change in environment and temperature.

    2/07/2006 1:59 PM  
    Blogger Carrie said...

    So sorry to hear of your loss.

    I love the layout of your story!

    As far as the snagging Brittany's go, contact the company. They were very helpful when I had the same issue with a set of dpns.

    2/07/2006 3:16 PM  
    Anonymous Ginger said...

    O, the humanity! So young to be taken. My needles are all in mourning.

    2/07/2006 3:22 PM  
    Anonymous Tam said...

    Ace reporting there, Theresa! Sorry about the needle, hopefully its teammate was ready to sub in.

    2/07/2006 4:09 PM  
    Anonymous Mom said...

    Hi T! Your musings are hysterical! You not only have the makings of an olympic knitter, future internist and all around fabulous person BUT you could have a future in writing. Keep the blog going! It's GREAT! Love, Mom

    2/07/2006 5:17 PM  
    Blogger Jenn said...

    So sad to hear about the loss of a vital team member! I hope the coming days and trials are better to your team!

    2/07/2006 9:16 PM  
    Blogger Jocele said...

    What a great post. Most entertaining, though tragic. Good thing you had those Brittany Birches on your alternate team. Good luck!

    2/08/2006 9:10 AM  
    Anonymous Monica said...

    Hehehehehe

    2/08/2006 8:01 PM  
    Anonymous etherknitter said...

    Did you request permission for an autopsy from the next of kin? Burial or cremation? Very funny post!

    2/12/2006 12:45 PM  

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